giving away the old notes and entering Tartu music school in 2015

“So... I have these scores. It's like 200 years old, Beethoven sonatas, Chopin things. This is a bit later. And it's like... It took a lot of time to actually dedicate and compose and arrange these things. But in this music that you are now hearing, I'm just improvising and there's like no pre-planned... habits. It's more like... I'm comfortable in some of the scales.

And why I talk about these scores? There was a time for me, when it was very hard to let go of the notes, that I bought from Vienna. Complete sonatas of Beethoven and some Chopin works and some Liszt works and I kinda cling to these works. And I was like really sad.

From Nietzsche it was very easy to let go, it was like not a problem, but from Beethoven it was emotionally tough. And then I decided to give it away, there's this music school at Tartu and once I put on a blue robe and I just walk into there and I just leave them there in the hallway. Hoping that a music student or someone would pick them up. I had like personal remarks of Appassionata, I correct the edition, because it was not properly done, there was a mistake and...

So I just give it away to the music school in Tartu, this Beethoven sonatas. And later I also attempt to enter this music school. I come with a bicycle from my friend Tõnu from Viljandi County and secretly-secretly I ride 70 km with the bicycle and attempt to enter the music school.

I was really upset about the system, I told my mother that I don't trust any of it and she's like: “Ok, let's see, we can...” And she helps me with the birth certificate and... And then I go to the entrance of the school and there's a lady and I let her in and later she helps me.

I get a chance to sing a song that they provide for me. But the real part was not about the solfeggio. When other students take the solfeggio test, I kind of refuse. I knew I would not fit the standards. So I kinda hang out on the bench outside.

And when the other students do the solfeggio test, there are these people create this opportunity for me, I could enter the empty hallway. Not the hallway but the hall. Like the place where they hold the concerts. And then there's this sign on the wall that: “You can only enter while there's an applause going on.” There's this sign because... so that people would not interrupt during the concert.

But now the hall is empty and there's this sign: “You can only enter when there's an applause going on.” But before that I meet a really flexible girl and she kinda inspires me... And so I do this applause and open the door at the same time.

And I go in that hall and it's empty and there's this big piano on the stage. And while the other students are away and do the solfeggio test, I go to the big grand piano. I always want to play these pianos, they're like standing silently in solitude in the night or something.

So it was like the room was dark and I go to piano on the stage and the grand piano I open. Then there was another guy who also inspired me... I got in the mood of creating a really complex waves of sounds. And then I knew that these guys were waiting for me, until I finish with the piano.

And it was my test. And then I simply play this piano for like... until I get a sign that it is done and the ancient curse was lifted. There was this curse that... I think ancient Greek one. There's a guy attempting to enter the underworld, but when he tries to get the girl, then when he looks back, while attempting to get out of the underworld, then the girl would like disappear.

So I lifted this curse. How I did it? I played for like 20 minutes and then I get this sign: “Now I can go.” Then I play a little bit more. And then I get outside of the door. And everybody's gone. And I pick up my jacket, this fairy jacket that I have. And I get out.

And when I walk back at home to my Tartu apartment, I never look back. I was like full trust. And it was like way way more intense. And actually before I go at the music school, my father gives me this red-black thing, that you use to hit the carpets.

So I also like lifted some dimensional areas. But it was beautiful, I was alone and it was a single work. The music school was nice. I got inside, but I didn't get inside on an official level. But I get inside... by full trust... I was in.

And this is what I wanted to say maybe. I don't know if the story makes sense, for me it makes a lot of sense on some level and on some levels there's big missing areas of the story. I think piano is a great tool to correct the shit.

Anyway, so... I had this dream that I would go to music school. Also in India I was attempting to go to music school. But I never find it. Also I don't get the chance to go to Varanasi. So, what is this?

But I get a chance to play 6 hours a day at the Tallinn Art Hall. For more than 1 month. 1 and half months I play 6 hours a day, 5 days a week in the Tallinn Art Hall, and this is what you're hearing. This is the recordings of it, I also get the chance to have a recorder and make top quality records, whatever.

And for me it is easier to speak when the emotional waves are my own, and not someone attempting to hurt me aggressively. For me, I think I can pretty easily reach and access... What I truly want would be to actually give something out to the people.

This song is very long, it's 11 minutes. But I also have recordings of 30 minutes, 20 minutes. I am not really sure what it is, it's like a trance state but it's also outside of these worlds, it's attempting to connect with other life forms, who then beautifully come down and approach us.

Also I think a very good way to bring in somebody into your life is through the children. I think it's a natural way for the souls to come back and return, through childbirth. Not with cars but through the love connection between the parents, the child can come in and this how you form together the new soul groups.

This is how you gain and create the safe-space. By harmonious relationships between the mother and father.”